Colonial Driving Rules Dumped by Kulveer Singh

Toy figurines of Laurel and Hardy sitting in a toy jeep
Photo courtesy of Kulveer Singh

New Rules Issued and Patented

By notifying the ‘Hindian Driving Rules – 2021′, the Government of Hindia took a landmark decision aimed at strengthening conventional Hindian driving techniques and maintaining Hindian leadership in road accidents.

Shri Godigiri, Road Transport Minister of Hindia, said today at the notification ceremony that “Hindia is a global leader in road accidents, and we shall preserve our leadership for ages to come. Thus, we have issued new rules so that we can leverage our unique impulsive way of driving and prevent other countries from appropriating our special techniques. For this purpose, we have filed an international patent as well, to protect our intellectual property rights.”

The Transport Minister quoted Jeffrey Archer, who is reported to have said “I love you on the road. This is the only nation on earth where cars run with the white line under them.” The Minister reiterated that Hindians have always had high regard for Shri Jeffrey Archer, (especially because he has spent time in jail) and further said that – “I am sure we will preserve our glorious traditions, as so eloquently conveyed by Shri Archer. If my fellow citizens follow these rules, they are sure to be ace drivers and keep Hindia’s flag flying high.” Going beyond the letter of the law, he further added that even if citizens ended up in morgues, they would need to sacrifice and contribute to maintaining Hindia’s world record of road accidents.

Here is a ‘Dummies’ guide with explanations of the Rules, as summarised by the Special Bureau of Fake News:

RULE 1: GET AHEAD OF THE VEHICLE IN FRONT OF YOU AND NEVER STAY BEHIND ANYONE FOR LONG.

Explanations: 

A) Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot. Just blow their eardrums away with your horn, push your paddle hard and zoom ahead, preferably cutting off their track to let them know their mistake.

B) Please note that people driving faster than you are maniacs. So you need to race and leave them behind, cut them off, stop and fight with them in the middle of the road, just to convey how fast they were driving. The Government of Hindia will protect your road-rage rights.

Exception to the rule: You can continue to drive behind a car if a pair of beautiful/handsome eyes are looking at you through the rear-view mirror. Or men can continue to drive behind a two-wheeler if the driver ahead is wearing a nice revealing saree; it is the God-given right of men to ogle at mid-riffs.

A woman in a sari sitting behind a man on a motorcycle
Photo courtesy of Kulveer Singh

RULE 2: MIGHT IS RIGHT – NEVER STOP FOR A SMALLER VEHICLE OR A PEDESTRIAN.

Explanations: 

A) Pedestrians are pests, and they don’t have a ‘Right of Way’. Just shoo them away with your horn, and watch them hop-skip in panic to the edge of the road.

B) Keep an eye open for the Holy Cow and the Clever Cat, unless you want to rot in hell for the sin of killing these animals.

C) If a black cat crosses your path, brake immediately in the middle of the road. If possible, also pull the hand brake for faster braking. You don’t want to risk something evil happening, eh!

Corollary to the rule 2: Get away from the path of a bigger vehicle, and swerve into the path of a smaller one immediately if you see a bigger one coming your way.

 

A car on top of a truck
Photo courtesy of Kulveer Singh

RULE 3: TAKE THE SHORTEST PATH TO YOUR DESTINATION.

Explanations:

A) Point your vehicle from your point of origin (point X) to your destination (point Y) and roll your vehicle in that direction via the shortest path from X to Y. Don’t worry about the side of the road you are to drive on.

B) If you have come from the Americas, drive on the right, if from the UK, drive on the left. You can just do whatever you want to do man. It can be left, right, centre, left of centre, right of centre – it is your democratic right. Once you get a hang of it and if you have a good trainer, you will soon be able to maneuver from left to right in a jiffy (and vice versa of course). 

Note: You can stick to the side of the road that matches your political ideology.

RULE 4: ROAD lanes are ONLY FOR DECORATION

Explanations: 

A) Just see which lane is moving faster than yours and immediately barge into that lane.

B)  You can always come back to your lane if the other one slows down.

C) All existing white lines on the road are considered fit for decoration, solely.

Clarification:  To reinforce the spirit of new Rules, say ‘no’ to lane driving. Lane driving is for morons – ignore the white, yellow, or blue lines on the road.Lanes that were meant to slow you down and restrict your freedom are hereby ‘Ruled Out’.

A sugarcane cart on the road
Photo courtesy of Kulveer Singh

RULE 5: DISTRATCTING ROAD SIGNS DEEMED ILLEGAL

Explanations: 

A) Road signs are a distraction to the drivers and are to be debarred with immediate effect. (Anyways, they were just showpieces)

B) All weird paintings in those triangular boards are deemed as distractions and are hereby ordered to be pasted over with photos of politicians, movie actors, sportsmen, and pets.

RULE 6: APPROACH MAIN ROADS AND HIGHWAYS AT HIGH SPEED

Explanations:  

A) Before approaching a main road at a T-junction or at a square or a circle, just put your vehicle in high gear, pump up the jam, and zoom into it.  Unnecessary stopping wastes fuel and harms the country’s economy and such non-patriotic behaviour will be subject to punishment. To clarify further – all vehicles approaching from behind are authorized to bang the back of such a cautious driver. 

B) In case the road ahead is too clogged with traffic, you can slowly sneak on to the wrong side of a main road and diagonally point your vehicle towards the other side. 

C) Fuel saving is enhanced if you never take a right angle into or out of a turn and go for the shortest path instead. Learn to manage obtuse and acute angles on the road, get your geometry right.

RULE 7: TRAFFIC LIGHTS TO BE USED AT DISCRETION OF DRIVERS

Explanation: 

Stop at a traffic light only when essential, preferably when a cop is looking at you. Look left, right and centre for a cop. The traffic lights are just a machine, show them your superiority and just ignore them if no cop is on duty. However, stop respectfully if an attentive cop is on duty. Bear in mind that these cops are human and are underpaid and might just be dead tired. So just ignore them (and the light) if the cops are talking amongst themselves or reclining in the shade.

RULE 8: JUMPSTART FROM THE STOP LINE – IF YOU HAVE STOPPED AT A RED LIGHT, LEAVE ABOUT 10 SECONDS BEFORE THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN.

Explanation: 

A) The stop-line at a traffic light is like being on the F1 Grid. The one who moves first has an advantage. So keep watching the lights at other cross-roads; as soon as the cross-section lights of other roads turn orange, it is time for you to jumpstart the morons standing behind you and race ahead.

B) If some nincompoop is blocking your path just blow some sense into them with your horn till they move.

Pomeranian dog standing at car steering wheel at night
Photo courtesy of Arjita Samra

RULE 9: BLOW THAT HORN – BLOW THE HORN BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER OVERTAKING A VEHICLE

Explanation: 

You must be sure that no one is caught on the wrong foot with your nimble driving. Give them a prior warning before you surprise them with your moves so that they can’t blame you for any mishap that might happen.  Learn this line by rote and say it as soon as you hit someone – “Main Ne Horn to Bajaaya Tha (I blew my horn please)”. Note: Sound Pollution is no concern of yours. Please inspire fellow citizens by painting “Blow Horn Please” at the back of your vehicle.

RULE 10: HELMETS AND SAFETY BELTS ARE BANNED

Explanation:

Helmets and Safety Belts exert undue stress on the driver and are hereby withdrawn with immediate effect due to considerations related to security. Helmets and Safety belts make it difficult for security agencies to identify terrorists and their ammunition belts. Further, helmets are an international conspiracy to discourage our traditional turbans. Helmets are to be replaced by turbans with immediate effect.

Disclaimer:  The satire is about a mythical country called Hindia. Resemblance to any other country, person or situation is purely co-incidental. The author advises readers to take full responsibility for their safety and know their limits. Before practicing the skills described in this article, be sure that your equipment is well maintained, and do not take risks beyond your level of experience, aptitude, training, and comfort level.

-KULVEER SINGH

Kulveer Singh is a blogger with over 3.5 million views to his online pages. While writing mostly on history and social issues as an amateur writer, he is passionate about photography too. But is searching for a genre to stick to in photography as in blogging. Professionally, he is trying to make ends meet as a managerial technocrat.

He blogs at Musings – Politically incorrect, generally! and also on Quora.

We would love to read your work. Interested? Please READ our SUBMISSION GUIDELINES.

MasticadoresIndia

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Terveen Gill says:

    Kulveer’s satirical take on Indian driving is an amusing read. Though I found that many of his newly formulated rules are already being practiced by Indian citizens diligently. Haha. It’s definitely a daunting task to drive on Indian roads. Beware of everyone and everything. Call this organized chaos. And the photographs add much charm to the witty words.
    Congratulations Kulveer!

    Like

  2. brittabenson says:

    Ah, the mystical country called ‘Hindia’… To be honest, I think quite a few people all over the world have adopted these rules. What a lovely read. Just the right kind of piece to start my day. I really enjoy the writing style. More please.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. What a coincidence? Kulveer apparently was not aware of the existence of my home country…..

    I come from Hindia
    My place it does exist
    Look up Google Earth Maps
    (It could have just us missed)

    Next Earth Sweep will fix it…….

    I am a Hindiani
    Driving on the road
    White line underneath me
    (Normal driving mode)

    I support Shri Godigiri in maintaining global road accident lead by my country……

    Might is right on Hindi roads
    Pedo out my way
    Oops, he wasn’t quick enough
    What more can I say?

    Sorry ’bout that….
    .
    I support Shri Godigiri in maintaining global road accident lead by my country……

    I travel straight from A to B
    Regardless road or not
    Across this field of just-ripe corn
    I do not care care not

    You idiot!!! What about my flattened crop?….

    Get stuffed….

    I support Shri Godigiri in maintaining global road accident lead by my country……

    Hey watch where you’re going idiot !………

    Shit he’s hit me Kulveer. Car’s a write-off……

    I support sensible Colonial Driving Rules……

    Down with Shri Godigiri….idiot

    (Thanks Kulveer for giving me something to work on. We need more humour in the world. We’re all too sane and serious)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Samra says:

      Thanks 🙂 that’s a lovely string of words you put up here …

      Like

      1. Thanks Samra. I’d forgotten surname comes first…..

        Like

  4. Yes, driving as only the Hindians can!! I have had my fair share of experiences while in India. I am not sure if the horns really do the job of moving traffic though. But, it is something that blares away the driver’s emotions. haha.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s